Christmas time is here
Let us drink much alcohol
Festive hangover
Poor Santa, bad diet
Too many cookies can kill
Diabetes, y'all
The eggnog is spiked
With rum and gingerbread fists
Feel drunk with power
North Pole needs health care
Rudolph has skin condition
The song's a cruel joke
The elves are happy
Toy making is steady work
Carols suck year round
I hear sleigh bells
Santa's on the roof tonight
Bear traps will stop him
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Human Centipede
What follows is a transcript of my reactions and though process while watching The Human Centipede. Now, I have been putting off watching this movie for a loooooong tiiiiiime. The concept disgusts and disturbs me, and my imagination tends to be my worst enemy when it comes to these types of movies (which is exactly what studios bank on, when it comes to gross movies such as this) but at the same time, I have had a weird fascination with it since seeing the trailer. It's gross! So gross. But, as with Hostel, I decided to suck it up and watch it, armed with a stopwatch and a pad of paper. As a reference point, the movie is 1hr 30min long.
Obviously, NSFW.
1:38 - WTF is he doing? Is he jackin it? On the side of the road? Oh, no. Just looking at photos like a creep.
3:00 - Who parks their truck directly behind a pulled over car to stop and take a dump? Honestly. Privacy, man. Pick some other long deserted stretch of road. '
4:04 - Worst. Tourists. Ever. Who uses a phone directory to get directions to a nightclub? More importantly, who uses a phone directory to get directions in a foreign country and doesn't write that shit down?? Jeez. Use the internet.
4:50 - Ok I dislike these girls and have immediately stopped being concerned of any imminant danger they may be in. Omigawd these girls suck. Or is it the script? Uuugh they're the worst.
7:05 - (when trying to use a cellphone) "What? No signal? There's always a signal!". Clearly this lady has never seen a horror film. There's never a signal.
10:30 - Try to change the tire themselves or go for an off-road wander in the forest in the middle of nowhere wearing high heels? Brilliant choices were made.
11:46 - They are saying each others names every sentence. Just in case you didn't catch their names the first 8 times.
12:30 - Ha ha these girls are the worst
16:00 - NEVER ACCEPT A DRINK FROM A FREAKY GERMAN MAN
23:00 - Why does captured fat trucker have a gag and the girls do not? Because if he spoke he'd have to get paid more!
25:00 - Oh no! Fat trucker is not the right blood type and is killed. Seriously though, fat trucker got off easy.
27:00 - Ha ha ha that guy has a pube 'stache. If he's sewn to someone's butt there's going to be all kinds of unfortunate tickling.
28:00 - You're telling me German Doctor left the girls alone in the house wearing cloth restraints and they couldn't manage to escape? Weak. Use your teeth! While you still can.
30:00 - So while Doctor's showing an awesome drawn slideshow of what he's going to do for the procedure, all I can think about is Giles' drawings from Hush. Ha!
35:00 - Ha ha this girl is the worst
38:00 - If making the choice between drowning yourself in a swimming pool and being surgically attached ass-to-mouth for the rest of your life, girl, drown in the pool
42:00 - Ooooh gurl he gon' fiiind you
44:00 - Is he going to cut the knee? Oh god don't cut the knee! Ah I cringe. Oh. Just marker. Lame.
45:00 - Eeew. I knew he'd take the teeth. Gaaaaaah.
46:00 - AAAH HE CUT THE BUTT
47:00 - I'm impressed he's doing this whole procedure with no nurses!
51:00 - I get why the back two girls are devastated, but dude, at least be glad you're at the front of the line
53:00 - Sooooo they're sewn together. Now what does he do with them? Fancy lawn ornament?
54:00 - Ha ha he's training them to fetch the paper
56:00 - I hope whatever they're eating isn't high in fibre. Ooh this is going to be unfortunate later.
57:00 - Oh nooooooooo! He has to poooooooooop!! Aaaaaah oh god. The humanity.
58:00 - What about water? Can they die of dehydration?
1:03 - Well of course someone's dying of blood poisoning. Of course.
1:06 - Oooh is he going to drug the police? Silly fuck.
1:06:30 - Idiot, you left your people-cage out.
1:08 - Um if you don't want to get caught, maybe turn down the batshit crazy
1:09 - Pro hint: If you're a retired surgeon, maybe don't continually use the excuse that you're super busy with your work.
1:15 - Murder fail! Attempt escape!
1:16 - Oh no! Spiral staircase! Their greatest enemy. Oh god they look so pained. Grossness.
1:20 - Moral lesson! Love your families or you'll get two Americans sewn to your butt.
1:23 - Dudes you are police with a warrant. Bust on in there!
1:26 - Omigawd worst cops ever
1:27 - Death or orgasm??
1:29 - Aaaaaand it ends. She is officially stuck in the worst position a person can be in.
If, like me, you're oddly fascinated with this movie and kind of want to know what happens but never want to see it, I strongly suggest reading the plot outline on the wikipedia page. It's kind of an interesting read.
All in all, it wasn't as gruesome as I was expecting. After they were sewn together it was mostly crying and the front guy yelling in Japanese. And lots of standing around morosely. They were pretty bummed (puns are fun)
Obviously, NSFW.
1:38 - WTF is he doing? Is he jackin it? On the side of the road? Oh, no. Just looking at photos like a creep.
3:00 - Who parks their truck directly behind a pulled over car to stop and take a dump? Honestly. Privacy, man. Pick some other long deserted stretch of road. '
4:04 - Worst. Tourists. Ever. Who uses a phone directory to get directions to a nightclub? More importantly, who uses a phone directory to get directions in a foreign country and doesn't write that shit down?? Jeez. Use the internet.
4:50 - Ok I dislike these girls and have immediately stopped being concerned of any imminant danger they may be in. Omigawd these girls suck. Or is it the script? Uuugh they're the worst.
7:05 - (when trying to use a cellphone) "What? No signal? There's always a signal!". Clearly this lady has never seen a horror film. There's never a signal.
10:30 - Try to change the tire themselves or go for an off-road wander in the forest in the middle of nowhere wearing high heels? Brilliant choices were made.
11:46 - They are saying each others names every sentence. Just in case you didn't catch their names the first 8 times.
12:30 - Ha ha these girls are the worst
16:00 - NEVER ACCEPT A DRINK FROM A FREAKY GERMAN MAN
23:00 - Why does captured fat trucker have a gag and the girls do not? Because if he spoke he'd have to get paid more!
25:00 - Oh no! Fat trucker is not the right blood type and is killed. Seriously though, fat trucker got off easy.
27:00 - Ha ha ha that guy has a pube 'stache. If he's sewn to someone's butt there's going to be all kinds of unfortunate tickling.
28:00 - You're telling me German Doctor left the girls alone in the house wearing cloth restraints and they couldn't manage to escape? Weak. Use your teeth! While you still can.
30:00 - So while Doctor's showing an awesome drawn slideshow of what he's going to do for the procedure, all I can think about is Giles' drawings from Hush. Ha!
35:00 - Ha ha this girl is the worst
38:00 - If making the choice between drowning yourself in a swimming pool and being surgically attached ass-to-mouth for the rest of your life, girl, drown in the pool
42:00 - Ooooh gurl he gon' fiiind you
44:00 - Is he going to cut the knee? Oh god don't cut the knee! Ah I cringe. Oh. Just marker. Lame.
45:00 - Eeew. I knew he'd take the teeth. Gaaaaaah.
46:00 - AAAH HE CUT THE BUTT
47:00 - I'm impressed he's doing this whole procedure with no nurses!
51:00 - I get why the back two girls are devastated, but dude, at least be glad you're at the front of the line
53:00 - Sooooo they're sewn together. Now what does he do with them? Fancy lawn ornament?
54:00 - Ha ha he's training them to fetch the paper
56:00 - I hope whatever they're eating isn't high in fibre. Ooh this is going to be unfortunate later.
57:00 - Oh nooooooooo! He has to poooooooooop!! Aaaaaah oh god. The humanity.
58:00 - What about water? Can they die of dehydration?
1:03 - Well of course someone's dying of blood poisoning. Of course.
1:06 - Oooh is he going to drug the police? Silly fuck.
1:06:30 - Idiot, you left your people-cage out.
1:08 - Um if you don't want to get caught, maybe turn down the batshit crazy
1:09 - Pro hint: If you're a retired surgeon, maybe don't continually use the excuse that you're super busy with your work.
1:15 - Murder fail! Attempt escape!
1:16 - Oh no! Spiral staircase! Their greatest enemy. Oh god they look so pained. Grossness.
1:20 - Moral lesson! Love your families or you'll get two Americans sewn to your butt.
1:23 - Dudes you are police with a warrant. Bust on in there!
1:26 - Omigawd worst cops ever
1:27 - Death or orgasm??
1:29 - Aaaaaand it ends. She is officially stuck in the worst position a person can be in.
If, like me, you're oddly fascinated with this movie and kind of want to know what happens but never want to see it, I strongly suggest reading the plot outline on the wikipedia page. It's kind of an interesting read.
All in all, it wasn't as gruesome as I was expecting. After they were sewn together it was mostly crying and the front guy yelling in Japanese. And lots of standing around morosely. They were pretty bummed (puns are fun)
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
For all ma bitches
MOVIE MINI RAPS
Red Dawn
Let's start a gang with some bitches gone crazy
Ride around beatin' commies just like Swayze
WOLVERINES!
Stand By Me
A quest to see a dead body's pretty sick,
Oh my god there's a leech on that kid's dick
FRIENDSHIP
Red Dawn
Let's start a gang with some bitches gone crazy
Ride around beatin' commies just like Swayze
WOLVERINES!
Stand By Me
A quest to see a dead body's pretty sick,
Oh my god there's a leech on that kid's dick
FRIENDSHIP
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Why Nerds Are the Best Kind of Friends
I'm lucky enough that I have several nerds in my life. I love my nerds. They're there when I'm having computer troubles, they're there when I want to play video or board games, and they're there when I want to wax philosophic on the combative merits of aluminum baseball bats. I admire my sister a lot. She has the most comprehensive knowledge of all things nerdy of anyone I've ever met. She's an avid gamer, she has a truly impressive collection of dvds (the entire series of every Star Trek ever created, Quantum Leap, Battlestar Galactica, every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, and every Rocky. And most of those are on bluray) as well as a massive collection of SciFi novels (Dune, Philip K Dick and Isaac Asimov) , and she can trivia your face off. It amazes me how so much knowledge of so many detailed universes can remain active and still have room for remembering the perfect pumpkin pie recipe.
Christmas time is a wonderful time for nerdy friends as well, because they are so friggin easy to shop for! I have to hold myself back, because with websites like Think Geek I could spend thousands and still have more gift ideas. Generally speaking, nerds will enjoy absolutely anything as long as it highlights one of their interests. Now that nerd culture has become welcomed into the mainstream, it's easier than ever to find the gift that will make your favourite nerd light up with joy. If you're not sure what gift to get for that tricky person on your list, think of what tickles their geeky fancy. When you think about it, everyone's a nerd for something. Some people get really nerdy about video games or Star Wars or Harry Potter, while others are nerdy about Glee, golfing, knitting, woodworking, baking - or even religion. When in doubt, there's probably a book they'd like.
Embrace your nerds - sit down with some cookies and ask them about the best way to seal off a house from a zombie invasion. It may save your life.
Christmas time is a wonderful time for nerdy friends as well, because they are so friggin easy to shop for! I have to hold myself back, because with websites like Think Geek I could spend thousands and still have more gift ideas. Generally speaking, nerds will enjoy absolutely anything as long as it highlights one of their interests. Now that nerd culture has become welcomed into the mainstream, it's easier than ever to find the gift that will make your favourite nerd light up with joy. If you're not sure what gift to get for that tricky person on your list, think of what tickles their geeky fancy. When you think about it, everyone's a nerd for something. Some people get really nerdy about video games or Star Wars or Harry Potter, while others are nerdy about Glee, golfing, knitting, woodworking, baking - or even religion. When in doubt, there's probably a book they'd like.
Embrace your nerds - sit down with some cookies and ask them about the best way to seal off a house from a zombie invasion. It may save your life.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Got 10 seconds?
Ok. Hi. Before I move on to another Watch It Wednesday, I want to take a second to pass on a fantastic website. Click To Donate is an excellent idea, you go to the home page, pick your cause, and click 1 button to "donate". Here's the awesome part - it doesn't take you to another page to fill out your personal information or credit card info, because it's completely free. The whole idea is, you click, their sponsors donate. For every click the website receives, their sponsors throw in the cash to go towards whichever cause you choose. 100% of the money goes to the charity, no hidden keepsies. And you can pick multiple causes! It makes donating for a good cause so fast and easy, you'd feel like a douche NOT doing it.
Care2 causes has really got the whole "helping out a good cause" thing down pat. You can sign petitions to help get the word across (again, for free) for the rights of women, animals, politics, global development, LGBT, children, you name it. They post every success so you can keep track of the causes you care about the most. Signing takes seconds.
I know, I preach, but as we get closer to the Season of Giving and all that, let's take some time to give to those who really need it. For free.
Care2 causes has really got the whole "helping out a good cause" thing down pat. You can sign petitions to help get the word across (again, for free) for the rights of women, animals, politics, global development, LGBT, children, you name it. They post every success so you can keep track of the causes you care about the most. Signing takes seconds.
I know, I preach, but as we get closer to the Season of Giving and all that, let's take some time to give to those who really need it. For free.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Watch It Wednesdays
Welcome to the second edition of "Watch It Wednesdays", a series created because I don't really do much but work and watch movies, and coming up with blog topics is difficult.
What I Liked: Attack the Block
Why: Set aside the fact that this film came very highly reviewed from multiple film festivals and features Nick Frost in an appropriately comical role. The story follows a teen gang from South London and their epic battle to defend their apartment building from ferocious aliens. I loved everything about this film. It was a little hard to get into at first - the gang does not immediately come off as likeable (their first on-screen act is mugging a young woman at knife point) and it takes a while to settle comfortably into following their strong accents and vernacular (it's definitely a bonus if you've watched a lot of BBC shows). As the film progresses you really start to enjoy the gang characters and their relationships with one another - they are, after all, just a group of teenagers. There is a great group of supporting characters as well, when they are first seen on screen you are under the impression that it will be for one scene only, but as the story progresses you see how each character contributes in their own way. I really enjoyed the alien design as well - they're animalistic to the core (these ain't no klingons or little green men, people) and so black that you cannot see any features except their glowing (yes, glowing) teeth. And goodness, what teeth! Multi-layered, snarling, and overall terrifying, these teeth were designed for destruction.You are immidately aware of the what that these kids are up against and how incredibly dangerous their mission is. Despite how brazen, cocky, and often stupid these teens are, I can tell you I was on the edge of my seat with anxious concern for every one of them. The direction and editing was absolutely fantastic, as were the performances from all of the actors. I definitely recommend this film. It's Red Dawn-meets-Leprechaun In The Hood 2*-meets-Aliens, and it's just delightful.
* Very important distinction from Leprechaun In The Hood 1. Seriously.
What I Didn't: See No Evil
Why: It's a WWE film made for wrestler Kane (whoever he is. All I know is his name is on the poster). It's a typical teen scream with emphasis on the removal of eyeballs. I get that the killer goes after sinners because his mother was crazy and abusive and a religious nutjob, and I get that the general idea is to remove their eyes, but I'm not positive what the eye removal has to do with the sinning. Or the cleansing of sins. Is it even about cleansing sins, or just about punishing the sinners? I'm not sure. Overall, it's pretty dumb. Not that I expected it to be insightful or, yanno, good.
What I Want To See: Into The Abyss
Why: Werner Herzog is crazy and amazing. Totally effing crazy. He's a German director/writer who's been working consistently since 1962 and is known for his strong thematic elements and characters who are often on the brink of madness. True story: there is an infamous scene in Fitzcarraldo (1982) where the main character insists that - in order to bypass a mountain - they drag a 340 ton steam ship up the mountain to meet the river. Instead of using a model or special effects, Herzog decided it would be way better to physically drag the 340 ton steam ship up the damn mountain. Friggin crazy. Anyways, Into The Abyss sounds fascinating. No psychology or criminology class could give you the same insight that Herzog captures by interviewing death row inmates and those effected by their crimes to study why we kill. He's a mad genius that does not try to manipulate his films, he lets them happen, which is why his documentaries (Grizzly Man, Cave of Forgotten Dreams) are so engrossing. He says
"Your film is like your children. You might want a child with certain qualities, but you are never going to get the exact specification right. The film has a privilege to live its own life and develop its own character. To suppress this is dangerous. It is an approach that works the other way too: sometimes the footage has amazing qualities that you did not expect."
He also directed Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans, which, if you haven't seen it, is pretty much insanity on film. Nicholas Cage. 'Nuff said.
What I Liked: Attack the Block
Why: Set aside the fact that this film came very highly reviewed from multiple film festivals and features Nick Frost in an appropriately comical role. The story follows a teen gang from South London and their epic battle to defend their apartment building from ferocious aliens. I loved everything about this film. It was a little hard to get into at first - the gang does not immediately come off as likeable (their first on-screen act is mugging a young woman at knife point) and it takes a while to settle comfortably into following their strong accents and vernacular (it's definitely a bonus if you've watched a lot of BBC shows). As the film progresses you really start to enjoy the gang characters and their relationships with one another - they are, after all, just a group of teenagers. There is a great group of supporting characters as well, when they are first seen on screen you are under the impression that it will be for one scene only, but as the story progresses you see how each character contributes in their own way. I really enjoyed the alien design as well - they're animalistic to the core (these ain't no klingons or little green men, people) and so black that you cannot see any features except their glowing (yes, glowing) teeth. And goodness, what teeth! Multi-layered, snarling, and overall terrifying, these teeth were designed for destruction.You are immidately aware of the what that these kids are up against and how incredibly dangerous their mission is. Despite how brazen, cocky, and often stupid these teens are, I can tell you I was on the edge of my seat with anxious concern for every one of them. The direction and editing was absolutely fantastic, as were the performances from all of the actors. I definitely recommend this film. It's Red Dawn-meets-Leprechaun In The Hood 2*-meets-Aliens, and it's just delightful.
* Very important distinction from Leprechaun In The Hood 1. Seriously.
What I Didn't: See No Evil
Why: It's a WWE film made for wrestler Kane (whoever he is. All I know is his name is on the poster). It's a typical teen scream with emphasis on the removal of eyeballs. I get that the killer goes after sinners because his mother was crazy and abusive and a religious nutjob, and I get that the general idea is to remove their eyes, but I'm not positive what the eye removal has to do with the sinning. Or the cleansing of sins. Is it even about cleansing sins, or just about punishing the sinners? I'm not sure. Overall, it's pretty dumb. Not that I expected it to be insightful or, yanno, good.
What I Want To See: Into The Abyss
Why: Werner Herzog is crazy and amazing. Totally effing crazy. He's a German director/writer who's been working consistently since 1962 and is known for his strong thematic elements and characters who are often on the brink of madness. True story: there is an infamous scene in Fitzcarraldo (1982) where the main character insists that - in order to bypass a mountain - they drag a 340 ton steam ship up the mountain to meet the river. Instead of using a model or special effects, Herzog decided it would be way better to physically drag the 340 ton steam ship up the damn mountain. Friggin crazy. Anyways, Into The Abyss sounds fascinating. No psychology or criminology class could give you the same insight that Herzog captures by interviewing death row inmates and those effected by their crimes to study why we kill. He's a mad genius that does not try to manipulate his films, he lets them happen, which is why his documentaries (Grizzly Man, Cave of Forgotten Dreams) are so engrossing. He says
"Your film is like your children. You might want a child with certain qualities, but you are never going to get the exact specification right. The film has a privilege to live its own life and develop its own character. To suppress this is dangerous. It is an approach that works the other way too: sometimes the footage has amazing qualities that you did not expect."
He also directed Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans, which, if you haven't seen it, is pretty much insanity on film. Nicholas Cage. 'Nuff said.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Watch It Wednesdays
What I liked: Stake Land.
Why: It's a vampire movie that feels like a zombie movie. There's no seductive quality to the biting and the blood sucking, it's pure monster mayhem and it's scary as shit. No time is wasted in getting you into the meat of the film, we have a quick introduction of each character and then it's off to the races. In general, not a lot of time is spent dissecting the characters or delving into details like their motivations or their hopes and dreams. Why? Because it's simple. They're motivated to kill the damn vampires. Their hopes and dreams are to get far away from the damn vampires. What I like about this movie is that it lays all its cards on the table. You care about the characters because they all operate with such honesty - there is little room for deception when vampires and crazy religious zealots are doing their best to destroy you and everyone you know.
What I didn't: The Day The Earth Stood Still
Why: Annoying characters I don't care about. Stupid stupid choices (honestly, if this is the first encounter that humans are having with an alien life form and it seems entirely peaceful and is about to have first contact with another human being, why oh why would you SHOOT IT?). General frustration with everything that happened in just about every scene. This is one of those movies that was remade because the message seemed particularly important in this decade (basically humans are ruining everything and we need to cut it out or we'll be destroyed by a plague of robot locusts) but it seemed so poorly constructed that the message likely never got through. Because nobody saw this movie. Because it was terrible.
What I liked about it? John Hamm.
I'm On The Fence About: The Possession of David O'Reilly
Why: Ok I'll be honest, I didn't really *dislike* this one per se, but it made some curious choices. I'm gonna warn you, I will get spoileriffic here, but chances are you're never going to watch it anyways so what the hell. To explain my points I'm going to have to give a brief synopsis. So Anna and Alex live together in a lovely little house/flat in London. They go through a whole scene to establish that Alex and Anna have a video security system set up that's triggered by movement. Their friend David rings the doorbell at some ridiculous hour, it appears his girlfriend is cheating or something, so he stays the night. As it turns out, David is able to see horribly disfigured and thoroughly creepy looking monster demons wandering around, trying to get in the house. He pours salt across the door to block them from getting in (anyone who has seen Supernatural knows that this is obviously the correct way to deal with everything) but is still scoring a 7 on the spazz scale the next day. Luckily, the monster things don't come during the day because they don't like light. Alex has a conversation with David and we discover that David is able to see these monster demon things that are always around, but normal people can't see, and now they're after him. For some reason this all started happening 2 weeks ago (WHY did they specify this date? Absolutely no reason. We never find out WHY this is all happening, and WHY it was over the last 2 weeks. We even see a clip of a video that Alex took 2 weeks ago at David's house and nothing suspicious happens. So why is this shown? No. Reason.). The lights go out and David tells them that the monsters have gotten in and are coming after them. There's a lot of confusion and running around and general frantic behaviour. David hides upstairs and finds a neighbour that he spoke to earlier in the movie and they hide together. David realizes (as he's reading blood-stained newspaper headlines about murders and deaths that suddenly show up all over the walls and floor) that the neighbour is actually a ghost. Or a monster? Or something. She starts oozing blood and is obviously dead. If she's one of the monsters, why is it that she can talk to him? Why is she unaware that she's a monster? What is the significance of these newspaper clippings, did this all happen in the house? Are the monster demons the spirits of these murdered/dead people? If they are specifically attached to the house, why is it that David has seen them elsewhere? Through the rest of the movie Alex and Anna are trying to decide if David is telling the truth or if he's crazy. Here are the issues: they have this video security system which recorded a full hard drive of activity that they cannot explain as they were out of the flat running away from monsters all night. They go to the trouble of checking the system and seeing that there is recorded content and commenting on how odd and impossible that is, but they never actually watch it. The whole time they are running from these monsters that only David can see, lights are being shut off only in the room they are in. Unless David is crazy AND telekinetic, that's something suspiciously paranormal right there folks. There's also a scene where David uses a glass and a newspaper like an ouiji board to communicate with the monsters, but they don't make much sense there either. What do you want? YOU KNOW. Useful. They also spell out Sarah's name (Sarah is David's cheating girlfriend) but again leave no explanation or clues or motives. Is Sarah dead? Did he kill her? Is the monster after her? Is SHE the monster? We don't get any answers. We don't even know why David was chosen. The monsters are incredibly vague. Also, how is it that David survived for 2 weeks of hiding from these things and then decided that now would be a perfect time to hide at a friend's house. If you know that salt stops them and they come in through doors and windows, instead of hiding in a house with an unusually large number of windows and doors why wouldn't you go to a cheap motel with only one wall of access points? Get a lot of salt and line it across the wall and you're sitting pretty. Boom. Solved.
Now I give this movie points for being incredibly creepy and causing a lot of tension (I'm a sucker for prolonged tension in horror films. Gets me every damn time) and having a pretty creative premise and ending (SPOILERS AGAIN They decide David is probably crazy, Alex tries to open the door to try to contact Sarah (who is mysteriously not answering her phone), David tries to stop him and accidentally(maybe?) stabs him. Anna, now convinced David is totally nutters, kills him and tries to leave the house. Cut to Anna's dead body torn apart by monsters) but there were so many aspects that just fell flat. Also, they tried to be too creative with the camera work. It was distracting.
What I Want To See: The Silent House
Why: Horror movie filmed entirely in a single take. Think about that. Amazing. Ti West's House of the Dead has a scene that lasts 20 minutes that is one continues shot and the tension is like a damn corkscrew. I watched it with a film buff friend (shoutout to Paul C) and we couldn't stop squirming. It drives you mad! We actually had to pause it to get a break. Scientifically, part of what makes slasher films cheesy rather than terrifying is how many cuts there are per scene. You aren't held in the action too long because it is repeatedly broken up by cuts that switch angle or perspective, which makes it easier to pull back to the "it's just a movie" mentality. When a single shot is held you don't have that release. Take a look at the trailer and just imagine seeing it with no breaks inbetween the action. Also, it's incredible to think of how much time and rehearsal and precision it would take to get every moment timed perfectly! I die.
Why: It's a vampire movie that feels like a zombie movie. There's no seductive quality to the biting and the blood sucking, it's pure monster mayhem and it's scary as shit. No time is wasted in getting you into the meat of the film, we have a quick introduction of each character and then it's off to the races. In general, not a lot of time is spent dissecting the characters or delving into details like their motivations or their hopes and dreams. Why? Because it's simple. They're motivated to kill the damn vampires. Their hopes and dreams are to get far away from the damn vampires. What I like about this movie is that it lays all its cards on the table. You care about the characters because they all operate with such honesty - there is little room for deception when vampires and crazy religious zealots are doing their best to destroy you and everyone you know.
What I didn't: The Day The Earth Stood Still
Why: Annoying characters I don't care about. Stupid stupid choices (honestly, if this is the first encounter that humans are having with an alien life form and it seems entirely peaceful and is about to have first contact with another human being, why oh why would you SHOOT IT?). General frustration with everything that happened in just about every scene. This is one of those movies that was remade because the message seemed particularly important in this decade (basically humans are ruining everything and we need to cut it out or we'll be destroyed by a plague of robot locusts) but it seemed so poorly constructed that the message likely never got through. Because nobody saw this movie. Because it was terrible.
What I liked about it? John Hamm.
I'm On The Fence About: The Possession of David O'Reilly
Why: Ok I'll be honest, I didn't really *dislike* this one per se, but it made some curious choices. I'm gonna warn you, I will get spoileriffic here, but chances are you're never going to watch it anyways so what the hell. To explain my points I'm going to have to give a brief synopsis. So Anna and Alex live together in a lovely little house/flat in London. They go through a whole scene to establish that Alex and Anna have a video security system set up that's triggered by movement. Their friend David rings the doorbell at some ridiculous hour, it appears his girlfriend is cheating or something, so he stays the night. As it turns out, David is able to see horribly disfigured and thoroughly creepy looking monster demons wandering around, trying to get in the house. He pours salt across the door to block them from getting in (anyone who has seen Supernatural knows that this is obviously the correct way to deal with everything) but is still scoring a 7 on the spazz scale the next day. Luckily, the monster things don't come during the day because they don't like light. Alex has a conversation with David and we discover that David is able to see these monster demon things that are always around, but normal people can't see, and now they're after him. For some reason this all started happening 2 weeks ago (WHY did they specify this date? Absolutely no reason. We never find out WHY this is all happening, and WHY it was over the last 2 weeks. We even see a clip of a video that Alex took 2 weeks ago at David's house and nothing suspicious happens. So why is this shown? No. Reason.). The lights go out and David tells them that the monsters have gotten in and are coming after them. There's a lot of confusion and running around and general frantic behaviour. David hides upstairs and finds a neighbour that he spoke to earlier in the movie and they hide together. David realizes (as he's reading blood-stained newspaper headlines about murders and deaths that suddenly show up all over the walls and floor) that the neighbour is actually a ghost. Or a monster? Or something. She starts oozing blood and is obviously dead. If she's one of the monsters, why is it that she can talk to him? Why is she unaware that she's a monster? What is the significance of these newspaper clippings, did this all happen in the house? Are the monster demons the spirits of these murdered/dead people? If they are specifically attached to the house, why is it that David has seen them elsewhere? Through the rest of the movie Alex and Anna are trying to decide if David is telling the truth or if he's crazy. Here are the issues: they have this video security system which recorded a full hard drive of activity that they cannot explain as they were out of the flat running away from monsters all night. They go to the trouble of checking the system and seeing that there is recorded content and commenting on how odd and impossible that is, but they never actually watch it. The whole time they are running from these monsters that only David can see, lights are being shut off only in the room they are in. Unless David is crazy AND telekinetic, that's something suspiciously paranormal right there folks. There's also a scene where David uses a glass and a newspaper like an ouiji board to communicate with the monsters, but they don't make much sense there either. What do you want? YOU KNOW. Useful. They also spell out Sarah's name (Sarah is David's cheating girlfriend) but again leave no explanation or clues or motives. Is Sarah dead? Did he kill her? Is the monster after her? Is SHE the monster? We don't get any answers. We don't even know why David was chosen. The monsters are incredibly vague. Also, how is it that David survived for 2 weeks of hiding from these things and then decided that now would be a perfect time to hide at a friend's house. If you know that salt stops them and they come in through doors and windows, instead of hiding in a house with an unusually large number of windows and doors why wouldn't you go to a cheap motel with only one wall of access points? Get a lot of salt and line it across the wall and you're sitting pretty. Boom. Solved.
Now I give this movie points for being incredibly creepy and causing a lot of tension (I'm a sucker for prolonged tension in horror films. Gets me every damn time) and having a pretty creative premise and ending (SPOILERS AGAIN They decide David is probably crazy, Alex tries to open the door to try to contact Sarah (who is mysteriously not answering her phone), David tries to stop him and accidentally(maybe?) stabs him. Anna, now convinced David is totally nutters, kills him and tries to leave the house. Cut to Anna's dead body torn apart by monsters) but there were so many aspects that just fell flat. Also, they tried to be too creative with the camera work. It was distracting.
What I Want To See: The Silent House
Why: Horror movie filmed entirely in a single take. Think about that. Amazing. Ti West's House of the Dead has a scene that lasts 20 minutes that is one continues shot and the tension is like a damn corkscrew. I watched it with a film buff friend (shoutout to Paul C) and we couldn't stop squirming. It drives you mad! We actually had to pause it to get a break. Scientifically, part of what makes slasher films cheesy rather than terrifying is how many cuts there are per scene. You aren't held in the action too long because it is repeatedly broken up by cuts that switch angle or perspective, which makes it easier to pull back to the "it's just a movie" mentality. When a single shot is held you don't have that release. Take a look at the trailer and just imagine seeing it with no breaks inbetween the action. Also, it's incredible to think of how much time and rehearsal and precision it would take to get every moment timed perfectly! I die.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Something something inaugural something
In the spirit of sharing, I hope you enjoy this map of the scariest things in the United States. Anyone who knows me well will know that, for me, the most terrifying thing on this map would be the Lobster People of Maine. I just don't trust lobsters. They're like giant sea cockroaches with pinchers. Why would anyone want to eat that? Why? Why.
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