The Human Centipede

What follows is a transcript of my reactions and though process while watching The Human Centipede. Now, I have been putting off watching this movie for a loooooong tiiiiiime. The concept disgusts and disturbs me, and my imagination tends to be my worst enemy when it comes to these types of movies (which is exactly what studios bank on, when it comes to gross movies such as this) but at the same time, I have had a weird fascination with it since seeing the trailer. It's gross! So gross. But, as with Hostel, I decided to suck it up and watch it, armed with a stopwatch and a pad of paper. As a reference point, the movie is 1hr 30min long.
Obviously, NSFW.

1:38 - WTF is he doing? Is he jackin it? On the side of the road? Oh, no. Just looking at photos like a creep.
3:00 - Who parks their truck directly behind a pulled over car to stop and take a dump? Honestly. Privacy, man. Pick some other long deserted stretch of road. '
4:04 - Worst. Tourists. Ever. Who uses a phone directory to get directions to a nightclub? More importantly, who uses a phone directory to get directions in a foreign country and doesn't write that shit down?? Jeez. Use the internet.
4:50 - Ok I dislike these girls and have immediately stopped being concerned of any imminant danger they may be in. Omigawd these girls suck. Or is it the script? Uuugh they're the worst.
7:05 - (when trying to use a cellphone) "What? No signal? There's always a signal!". Clearly this lady has never seen a horror film. There's never a signal.
10:30 - Try to change the tire themselves or go for an off-road wander in the forest in the middle of nowhere wearing high heels? Brilliant choices were made.
11:46 - They are saying each others names every sentence. Just in case you didn't catch their names the first 8 times.
12:30 - Ha ha these girls are the worst
16:00 - NEVER ACCEPT A DRINK FROM A FREAKY GERMAN MAN
23:00 - Why does captured fat trucker have a gag and the girls do not? Because if he spoke he'd have to get paid more!
25:00 - Oh no! Fat trucker is not the right blood type and is killed. Seriously though, fat trucker got off easy.
27:00 - Ha ha ha that guy has a pube 'stache. If he's sewn to someone's butt there's going to be all kinds of unfortunate tickling.
28:00 - You're telling me German Doctor left the girls alone in the house wearing cloth restraints and they couldn't manage to escape? Weak. Use your teeth! While you still can.
30:00 - So while Doctor's showing an awesome drawn slideshow of what he's going to do for the procedure, all I can think about is Giles' drawings from Hush. Ha!
35:00 - Ha ha this girl is the worst
38:00 - If making the choice between drowning yourself in a swimming pool and being surgically attached ass-to-mouth for the rest of your life, girl, drown in the pool
42:00 - Ooooh gurl he gon' fiiind you
44:00 - Is he going to cut the knee? Oh god don't cut the knee! Ah I cringe. Oh. Just marker. Lame.
45:00 - Eeew. I knew he'd take the teeth. Gaaaaaah.
46:00 - AAAH HE CUT THE BUTT
47:00 - I'm impressed he's doing this whole procedure with no nurses!
51:00 - I get why the back two girls are devastated, but dude, at least be glad you're at the front of the line
53:00 - Sooooo they're sewn together. Now what does he do with them? Fancy lawn ornament?
54:00 - Ha ha he's training them to fetch the paper
56:00 - I hope whatever they're eating isn't high in fibre. Ooh this is going to be unfortunate later.
57:00 - Oh nooooooooo! He has to poooooooooop!! Aaaaaah oh god. The humanity.
58:00 - What about water? Can they die of dehydration?
1:03 - Well of course someone's dying of blood poisoning. Of course.
1:06 - Oooh is he going to drug the police? Silly fuck.
1:06:30  - Idiot, you left your people-cage out.
1:08 - Um if you don't want to get caught, maybe turn down the batshit crazy
1:09 - Pro hint: If you're a retired surgeon, maybe don't continually use the excuse that you're super busy with your work.
1:15 - Murder fail! Attempt escape!
1:16 - Oh no! Spiral staircase! Their greatest enemy. Oh god they look so pained. Grossness.
1:20 - Moral lesson! Love your families or you'll get two Americans sewn to your butt.
1:23 - Dudes you are police with a warrant. Bust on in there!
1:26 - Omigawd worst cops ever
1:27 - Death or orgasm??
1:29 - Aaaaaand it ends. She is officially stuck in the worst position a person can be in.

If, like me, you're oddly fascinated with this movie and kind of want to know what happens but never want to see it, I strongly suggest reading the plot outline on the wikipedia page. It's kind of an interesting read.

All in all, it wasn't as gruesome as I was expecting. After they were sewn together it was mostly crying and the front guy yelling in Japanese. And lots of standing around morosely. They were pretty bummed (puns are fun)