Fun in the Snow
Winter air is cold
Killing zombies will warm you
Shotguns and snowballs
Santa Stops at Taco Bell
Reindeer on the roof
Cleaning up their poop is gross
They just ate tacos
Androids Have Feelings Too
Geordi cannot see
His visor is his best friend
Data is jealous
Ode to an ASM
Brenda's going mad
Newspapers keeping her down
Sadness and hot glue
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Troll Hunter (no really)
I've recently had the pleasure of borrowing a great movie from an awesome friend, the great movie being Norway's Troll Hunter. A basic synopsis; a group of film students follow a bear poacher who turns out to be a troll hunter. They follow him on his full-time troll hunting job as he tries to determine why Norway's trolls have all scattered outside of their territories, exterminating the rogue trolls he finds along the way.
Some of the things I really enjoyed about this film were its roots in norwegian folklore. There are tips-of-the-hat to the billy goats gruff, turning to stone, and the verse "Fe Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of a christian man" - which is woven into the plot extremely well. The team also did a really great job in the design of the trolls based on the popular dolls found in Norway, but on a much larger, grander and more frightening scale.
Side note: I totally had one of those dolls when I was a kid. Yes, they are terrifying in person.
Science is also brought in to explain why the trolls are acting so strangely and why they have physical reactions to sunlight. Evolutionary biology is involved when decribing their traits. There are no loose ends when it comes to the trolly details, which is refreshing. It's too common that movies will take a "let's not explain it and maybe no one will ever ask" storytelling approach. Norway, you got your shit covered.
My favourite scene? Any scene with the trolls. They're so well constructed and so captivating, they do a great job of envoking awe and fear. When the film crew agrees to do whatever Hans, the troll hunter, instructs them to, they find themselves covered in an extremely foul-smelling "troll stench" to keep their human scent covered. Watching their reactions to the smell is enough to know that this is not a situation you'd like to be in. The format of the film is the perfect way of introducing the audience to the fantastical elements, the more the film crew learns, the more the viewer learns. Seeing their initial terror and exuberance when they discover that trolls are real is enough to pull the viewer into those emotions. Wonderful performances from every cast member as well. I enjoy watching foreign horror and fantasy films - not recognizing any of the actors is a great way to really attach to the characters and the performances.
All in all, a great and entertaining movie, and a fantastic find from a wise friend.
Some of the things I really enjoyed about this film were its roots in norwegian folklore. There are tips-of-the-hat to the billy goats gruff, turning to stone, and the verse "Fe Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of a christian man" - which is woven into the plot extremely well. The team also did a really great job in the design of the trolls based on the popular dolls found in Norway, but on a much larger, grander and more frightening scale.
Science is also brought in to explain why the trolls are acting so strangely and why they have physical reactions to sunlight. Evolutionary biology is involved when decribing their traits. There are no loose ends when it comes to the trolly details, which is refreshing. It's too common that movies will take a "let's not explain it and maybe no one will ever ask" storytelling approach. Norway, you got your shit covered.
My favourite scene? Any scene with the trolls. They're so well constructed and so captivating, they do a great job of envoking awe and fear. When the film crew agrees to do whatever Hans, the troll hunter, instructs them to, they find themselves covered in an extremely foul-smelling "troll stench" to keep their human scent covered. Watching their reactions to the smell is enough to know that this is not a situation you'd like to be in. The format of the film is the perfect way of introducing the audience to the fantastical elements, the more the film crew learns, the more the viewer learns. Seeing their initial terror and exuberance when they discover that trolls are real is enough to pull the viewer into those emotions. Wonderful performances from every cast member as well. I enjoy watching foreign horror and fantasy films - not recognizing any of the actors is a great way to really attach to the characters and the performances.
All in all, a great and entertaining movie, and a fantastic find from a wise friend.
Friday, July 13, 2012
I will watch the crap outta this
So, I've been on a (lengthy) hiatus, but I thought what better way to get back on the wagon than discussing movies. Again. Because that's just how I roll.
I've been watching a lot of trailers recently, and these are the ones that stand out.
1) The Day
Why: From what I gather, it's basically Straw Dogs (2 links, 2 versions) meets The Road, starring Dominic Monaghan (of Lord of the Rings/Lost fame) and Ashley Bell (who was amazing in The Last Exorcism). Also, Shannyn Sossamon (A Knight's Tale, some other stuff) and Shawn Ashmore (X-Men. I'm not gonna lie, even after studying the poster and the trailer, I totally did not recognize him). I'm always a fan of the post-apocalyptic genre (can we call it a genre?) as it's usually a smorgasbord of crazy with the crushing realization that the characters usually have nothing left to live for, but they still do anything to survive. The path is, obviously, never easy, which makes for some really interesting character studies. How do they react? What's their motivation? How have they survived thus far? What's keeping them sane? I'd like to tell past me that it would've been an interesting essay topic. Hey, film students, you're welcome.
2) Rec 3
Why: Have you seen Rec 1 & 2? No? Stop what you are doing and watch them! No, not Quarantine, that's the American remake and it's probably awful. Because as horror films, Rec 1 & 2 are utterly fascinating and pretty much flawless. The first film sets up a crazy and terrifying story, the second continues from approx 5min after the first one ends (same set!), answers a lot of questions and brings up a whole bunch of crazy developments. I'm not sure how Rec 3 fits in to the storyline as it takes place miles away from the initial location, but from what I've read, it does explain the tie-ins. It has the same writer/director (one of a duo, which is a bit sad but also very exciting... it's always kind of a drag when a completely new and unattached writer/director takes over the sequel to a pre-exisiting film, especially when the original team has created a masterpiece). At any rate, the first two were so well done, I'm utterly stoked for the next instalment. There is reportedly going to be a fourth film as well. Bitchin.
3) VHS
Why: It looks like a series of horror vignettes, and from what I've seen from the trailers they could be pretty damn awesome. VHS is apparently a huge deal at the Toronto After Dark film festival this year, so it's a good endorsement (though they have also featured The Human Centipede... which I've blogged about already. It was pretty..... weird? I get the appeal, as it does have a pretty strong shock value, and the series of events was interesting, it just wasn't a movie I'd ever want to see twice. It just wasn't that entertaining. Interesting, sure, but not great to watch). The directors attached to the vignettes sound intriguing, featuring Ti West (House of the Devil, The Innkeepers). For most of the directors, this appears to be the first "big" movie they've worked on, which could be a help or a hindrance. It seems to be predominantly filmed by handicam, which has its merits, but can be distracting or stomach-churning if not used correctly. I'm curious about this one... I don't really know what's going on with it, but it's piqued my interest.
4) Looper
Why: Really neat concept. It may be a little jarring to watch Joseph Gordon-Levitt with facial prosthetics to make him look more like Bruce Willis, but the idea of a time assassin alone is interesting, throw in the twist of having his future self sent back for execution and you've really got something. Another great cast as well. Furthermore, it's done by the writer/director from Brick, which is impeccable. (Seriously magnificent. Modern film noir. Just great).
Anyhoo, more later. Trailer frenzy y'all!
I've been watching a lot of trailers recently, and these are the ones that stand out.
1) The Day
Why: From what I gather, it's basically Straw Dogs (2 links, 2 versions) meets The Road, starring Dominic Monaghan (of Lord of the Rings/Lost fame) and Ashley Bell (who was amazing in The Last Exorcism). Also, Shannyn Sossamon (A Knight's Tale, some other stuff) and Shawn Ashmore (X-Men. I'm not gonna lie, even after studying the poster and the trailer, I totally did not recognize him). I'm always a fan of the post-apocalyptic genre (can we call it a genre?) as it's usually a smorgasbord of crazy with the crushing realization that the characters usually have nothing left to live for, but they still do anything to survive. The path is, obviously, never easy, which makes for some really interesting character studies. How do they react? What's their motivation? How have they survived thus far? What's keeping them sane? I'd like to tell past me that it would've been an interesting essay topic. Hey, film students, you're welcome.
2) Rec 3
Why: Have you seen Rec 1 & 2? No? Stop what you are doing and watch them! No, not Quarantine, that's the American remake and it's probably awful. Because as horror films, Rec 1 & 2 are utterly fascinating and pretty much flawless. The first film sets up a crazy and terrifying story, the second continues from approx 5min after the first one ends (same set!), answers a lot of questions and brings up a whole bunch of crazy developments. I'm not sure how Rec 3 fits in to the storyline as it takes place miles away from the initial location, but from what I've read, it does explain the tie-ins. It has the same writer/director (one of a duo, which is a bit sad but also very exciting... it's always kind of a drag when a completely new and unattached writer/director takes over the sequel to a pre-exisiting film, especially when the original team has created a masterpiece). At any rate, the first two were so well done, I'm utterly stoked for the next instalment. There is reportedly going to be a fourth film as well. Bitchin.
3) VHS
Why: It looks like a series of horror vignettes, and from what I've seen from the trailers they could be pretty damn awesome. VHS is apparently a huge deal at the Toronto After Dark film festival this year, so it's a good endorsement (though they have also featured The Human Centipede... which I've blogged about already. It was pretty..... weird? I get the appeal, as it does have a pretty strong shock value, and the series of events was interesting, it just wasn't a movie I'd ever want to see twice. It just wasn't that entertaining. Interesting, sure, but not great to watch). The directors attached to the vignettes sound intriguing, featuring Ti West (House of the Devil, The Innkeepers). For most of the directors, this appears to be the first "big" movie they've worked on, which could be a help or a hindrance. It seems to be predominantly filmed by handicam, which has its merits, but can be distracting or stomach-churning if not used correctly. I'm curious about this one... I don't really know what's going on with it, but it's piqued my interest.
4) Looper
Why: Really neat concept. It may be a little jarring to watch Joseph Gordon-Levitt with facial prosthetics to make him look more like Bruce Willis, but the idea of a time assassin alone is interesting, throw in the twist of having his future self sent back for execution and you've really got something. Another great cast as well. Furthermore, it's done by the writer/director from Brick, which is impeccable. (Seriously magnificent. Modern film noir. Just great).
Anyhoo, more later. Trailer frenzy y'all!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Christmas Haiku
Christmas time is here
Let us drink much alcohol
Festive hangover
Poor Santa, bad diet
Too many cookies can kill
Diabetes, y'all
The eggnog is spiked
With rum and gingerbread fists
Feel drunk with power
North Pole needs health care
Rudolph has skin condition
The song's a cruel joke
The elves are happy
Toy making is steady work
Carols suck year round
I hear sleigh bells
Santa's on the roof tonight
Bear traps will stop him
Let us drink much alcohol
Festive hangover
Poor Santa, bad diet
Too many cookies can kill
Diabetes, y'all
The eggnog is spiked
With rum and gingerbread fists
Feel drunk with power
North Pole needs health care
Rudolph has skin condition
The song's a cruel joke
The elves are happy
Toy making is steady work
Carols suck year round
I hear sleigh bells
Santa's on the roof tonight
Bear traps will stop him
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
The Human Centipede
What follows is a transcript of my reactions and though process while watching The Human Centipede. Now, I have been putting off watching this movie for a loooooong tiiiiiime. The concept disgusts and disturbs me, and my imagination tends to be my worst enemy when it comes to these types of movies (which is exactly what studios bank on, when it comes to gross movies such as this) but at the same time, I have had a weird fascination with it since seeing the trailer. It's gross! So gross. But, as with Hostel, I decided to suck it up and watch it, armed with a stopwatch and a pad of paper. As a reference point, the movie is 1hr 30min long.
Obviously, NSFW.
1:38 - WTF is he doing? Is he jackin it? On the side of the road? Oh, no. Just looking at photos like a creep.
3:00 - Who parks their truck directly behind a pulled over car to stop and take a dump? Honestly. Privacy, man. Pick some other long deserted stretch of road. '
4:04 - Worst. Tourists. Ever. Who uses a phone directory to get directions to a nightclub? More importantly, who uses a phone directory to get directions in a foreign country and doesn't write that shit down?? Jeez. Use the internet.
4:50 - Ok I dislike these girls and have immediately stopped being concerned of any imminant danger they may be in. Omigawd these girls suck. Or is it the script? Uuugh they're the worst.
7:05 - (when trying to use a cellphone) "What? No signal? There's always a signal!". Clearly this lady has never seen a horror film. There's never a signal.
10:30 - Try to change the tire themselves or go for an off-road wander in the forest in the middle of nowhere wearing high heels? Brilliant choices were made.
11:46 - They are saying each others names every sentence. Just in case you didn't catch their names the first 8 times.
12:30 - Ha ha these girls are the worst
16:00 - NEVER ACCEPT A DRINK FROM A FREAKY GERMAN MAN
23:00 - Why does captured fat trucker have a gag and the girls do not? Because if he spoke he'd have to get paid more!
25:00 - Oh no! Fat trucker is not the right blood type and is killed. Seriously though, fat trucker got off easy.
27:00 - Ha ha ha that guy has a pube 'stache. If he's sewn to someone's butt there's going to be all kinds of unfortunate tickling.
28:00 - You're telling me German Doctor left the girls alone in the house wearing cloth restraints and they couldn't manage to escape? Weak. Use your teeth! While you still can.
30:00 - So while Doctor's showing an awesome drawn slideshow of what he's going to do for the procedure, all I can think about is Giles' drawings from Hush. Ha!
35:00 - Ha ha this girl is the worst
38:00 - If making the choice between drowning yourself in a swimming pool and being surgically attached ass-to-mouth for the rest of your life, girl, drown in the pool
42:00 - Ooooh gurl he gon' fiiind you
44:00 - Is he going to cut the knee? Oh god don't cut the knee! Ah I cringe. Oh. Just marker. Lame.
45:00 - Eeew. I knew he'd take the teeth. Gaaaaaah.
46:00 - AAAH HE CUT THE BUTT
47:00 - I'm impressed he's doing this whole procedure with no nurses!
51:00 - I get why the back two girls are devastated, but dude, at least be glad you're at the front of the line
53:00 - Sooooo they're sewn together. Now what does he do with them? Fancy lawn ornament?
54:00 - Ha ha he's training them to fetch the paper
56:00 - I hope whatever they're eating isn't high in fibre. Ooh this is going to be unfortunate later.
57:00 - Oh nooooooooo! He has to poooooooooop!! Aaaaaah oh god. The humanity.
58:00 - What about water? Can they die of dehydration?
1:03 - Well of course someone's dying of blood poisoning. Of course.
1:06 - Oooh is he going to drug the police? Silly fuck.
1:06:30 - Idiot, you left your people-cage out.
1:08 - Um if you don't want to get caught, maybe turn down the batshit crazy
1:09 - Pro hint: If you're a retired surgeon, maybe don't continually use the excuse that you're super busy with your work.
1:15 - Murder fail! Attempt escape!
1:16 - Oh no! Spiral staircase! Their greatest enemy. Oh god they look so pained. Grossness.
1:20 - Moral lesson! Love your families or you'll get two Americans sewn to your butt.
1:23 - Dudes you are police with a warrant. Bust on in there!
1:26 - Omigawd worst cops ever
1:27 - Death or orgasm??
1:29 - Aaaaaand it ends. She is officially stuck in the worst position a person can be in.
If, like me, you're oddly fascinated with this movie and kind of want to know what happens but never want to see it, I strongly suggest reading the plot outline on the wikipedia page. It's kind of an interesting read.
All in all, it wasn't as gruesome as I was expecting. After they were sewn together it was mostly crying and the front guy yelling in Japanese. And lots of standing around morosely. They were pretty bummed (puns are fun)
Obviously, NSFW.
1:38 - WTF is he doing? Is he jackin it? On the side of the road? Oh, no. Just looking at photos like a creep.
3:00 - Who parks their truck directly behind a pulled over car to stop and take a dump? Honestly. Privacy, man. Pick some other long deserted stretch of road. '
4:04 - Worst. Tourists. Ever. Who uses a phone directory to get directions to a nightclub? More importantly, who uses a phone directory to get directions in a foreign country and doesn't write that shit down?? Jeez. Use the internet.
4:50 - Ok I dislike these girls and have immediately stopped being concerned of any imminant danger they may be in. Omigawd these girls suck. Or is it the script? Uuugh they're the worst.
7:05 - (when trying to use a cellphone) "What? No signal? There's always a signal!". Clearly this lady has never seen a horror film. There's never a signal.
10:30 - Try to change the tire themselves or go for an off-road wander in the forest in the middle of nowhere wearing high heels? Brilliant choices were made.
11:46 - They are saying each others names every sentence. Just in case you didn't catch their names the first 8 times.
12:30 - Ha ha these girls are the worst
16:00 - NEVER ACCEPT A DRINK FROM A FREAKY GERMAN MAN
23:00 - Why does captured fat trucker have a gag and the girls do not? Because if he spoke he'd have to get paid more!
25:00 - Oh no! Fat trucker is not the right blood type and is killed. Seriously though, fat trucker got off easy.
27:00 - Ha ha ha that guy has a pube 'stache. If he's sewn to someone's butt there's going to be all kinds of unfortunate tickling.
28:00 - You're telling me German Doctor left the girls alone in the house wearing cloth restraints and they couldn't manage to escape? Weak. Use your teeth! While you still can.
30:00 - So while Doctor's showing an awesome drawn slideshow of what he's going to do for the procedure, all I can think about is Giles' drawings from Hush. Ha!
35:00 - Ha ha this girl is the worst
38:00 - If making the choice between drowning yourself in a swimming pool and being surgically attached ass-to-mouth for the rest of your life, girl, drown in the pool
42:00 - Ooooh gurl he gon' fiiind you
44:00 - Is he going to cut the knee? Oh god don't cut the knee! Ah I cringe. Oh. Just marker. Lame.
45:00 - Eeew. I knew he'd take the teeth. Gaaaaaah.
46:00 - AAAH HE CUT THE BUTT
47:00 - I'm impressed he's doing this whole procedure with no nurses!
51:00 - I get why the back two girls are devastated, but dude, at least be glad you're at the front of the line
53:00 - Sooooo they're sewn together. Now what does he do with them? Fancy lawn ornament?
54:00 - Ha ha he's training them to fetch the paper
56:00 - I hope whatever they're eating isn't high in fibre. Ooh this is going to be unfortunate later.
57:00 - Oh nooooooooo! He has to poooooooooop!! Aaaaaah oh god. The humanity.
58:00 - What about water? Can they die of dehydration?
1:03 - Well of course someone's dying of blood poisoning. Of course.
1:06 - Oooh is he going to drug the police? Silly fuck.
1:06:30 - Idiot, you left your people-cage out.
1:08 - Um if you don't want to get caught, maybe turn down the batshit crazy
1:09 - Pro hint: If you're a retired surgeon, maybe don't continually use the excuse that you're super busy with your work.
1:15 - Murder fail! Attempt escape!
1:16 - Oh no! Spiral staircase! Their greatest enemy. Oh god they look so pained. Grossness.
1:20 - Moral lesson! Love your families or you'll get two Americans sewn to your butt.
1:23 - Dudes you are police with a warrant. Bust on in there!
1:26 - Omigawd worst cops ever
1:27 - Death or orgasm??
1:29 - Aaaaaand it ends. She is officially stuck in the worst position a person can be in.
If, like me, you're oddly fascinated with this movie and kind of want to know what happens but never want to see it, I strongly suggest reading the plot outline on the wikipedia page. It's kind of an interesting read.
All in all, it wasn't as gruesome as I was expecting. After they were sewn together it was mostly crying and the front guy yelling in Japanese. And lots of standing around morosely. They were pretty bummed (puns are fun)
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
For all ma bitches
MOVIE MINI RAPS
Red Dawn
Let's start a gang with some bitches gone crazy
Ride around beatin' commies just like Swayze
WOLVERINES!
Stand By Me
A quest to see a dead body's pretty sick,
Oh my god there's a leech on that kid's dick
FRIENDSHIP
Red Dawn
Let's start a gang with some bitches gone crazy
Ride around beatin' commies just like Swayze
WOLVERINES!
Stand By Me
A quest to see a dead body's pretty sick,
Oh my god there's a leech on that kid's dick
FRIENDSHIP
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